Thursday, August 6, 2009

How sick is sick and how well is well?

So you wake up and the world is not a friendly place. It is a scary place full of loud noises and overwhelming feelings. Not the usual world of loving family and co workers and friends.
Fears that you are being judged because you are not able to feel like a normal person. Fears that you will not live to see the things you want to see. Fears that you will go into a hospital and never come out or come out a totally different (worse) person.
So what else can you do but sit and worry and cry and fret. Wait for the other shoe to drop and bring your world collapsing onto you where it smothers you as it drains all life from you. No sometimes the world is not a beautiful and lovely place like you thought it was.

So you reach out for someone to help you. Someone to help you make it through this dark, cloudy, and terribly noisy state of mind you have found yourself in.
You go to the doctor that seems to understand you and she decides to trick you. In my opinion to trick someone that is already distraught is just cruel. She says here is what you should do.."Go to this place and tell them how you feel and they will change some medicine and you should feel all better by Monday". Sounds good in theory... but I decided to call and find out more about this place only to be told "it is in-patient care only". WHAT???
I am not driving down to an in-patient only place to get a little help. I will as always back my ears straighten my spine and adjust my thinking to pull myself out of this.
So I sit up and wait for midnight. Technically a new day, So at midnight I take my one a day medicine and wait. I stay awake until 4 am and then I sleep until 6:30. I wake with Dread seeping through my bones and into my soul. I can feel it in my blood and in my head. I call to tell my boss that I can not work until Monday. Then I begin to make myself better. I stay awake and do quiet and slow activities so that my over active nerves do not become startled. I stay in one small area of the couch and watch the TV but not listen not absorb the show. Just look.. I get the baby and I hug her and just feel her warmth and enjoy her silent smiles. Then I climb back into my quiet place on the couch and watch the day go by. A short nap then back to clock watching and I stay still and quiet and process the day slowly as to not jangle my nerves. Everyone goes to bed and I sit on my small section of the couch and watch the clock. Midnight comes and goes and I do not take my daily medicine. 1 am then 2 am come and only then do I take it. I go on Mahalo and look at questions and answer some of the questins that peak my interest. I go to sleep at 4:30 and when I wake up at 6:40 I do not feel quite so horrible. I do not feel so on edge my hands are still shaking but I am not consumed in dread. I am releived that I am not feeling the dread. I only feel the fear that has become my companion during this time. I wonder if after 3 weeks of this new medicine it is finally going to help me. It is too early to tell and I am afraid to make that snap judgement in case I suddenly become filled with dread as I have so many days before.
But without saying anything to anyone I feel lighter, and less smothered. I quietly moving through the house as to not startle myself and feel like I am going to survive this. I am going to keep working through this and not quit. I for the first time since May 5Th feel like the world is not burying me alive.

I sit on the patio and talk with Kenn and CAsey and watch the stars and we discuss personla beliefs and I remain calm and dread free.
Here it is 10:34 and I am planning what time to take my medicine. Thinking for the first time in a long time that tomorrow I might begin to feel well. I only want my being well to last this time. I want to be well for a long time this time.

I would like to have the pleasure of knowing at the end of this... how sick is sick and how well is well.

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