Monday, August 24, 2009


Today I am back at work. Scared and nervous but back at work. Everyone has been so nice and it seems that more people knew I was out than I imagined.
So many of the phone calls started with Hi! Welcome back! So that of course is a very nice feeling.

Without going into detail lets just say I have not been up to working for over a week now. I fought with myself this morning. I was shaking and convinced I would not be able to stay all day. But I am 5 hours into my day and I am ok. Sure I am shaking and nervous. But I have totally seen worse lately.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Birthday party for 5

I have a secret. It is pretty fun to have a secret, and I am enjoying this one.
This afternoon I will be trecking over to Ellis' house with a birthday cake and basket of gifts from Casey and we will have a birthday party for all 5 children.

Casey got some very nice items for them and with the cake and ice cream, I can not see how it will be said that the kids did not have a party.

But I will of course have to wait and see what is said. Seems I promised shoes to Cody if he came and spent the night. Thank goodness Cody told me what was promised or he would have gone home without the "promised" shoes.

But I have been planning on going and giving a small birthday party for them and tomorrow is the day I chose. Since they all have school Monday I believe all 5 should all be home and available for a party.

Only one question .... what flavor cake will make 5 children happy. Oh what a dilemma.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


The word Wanderlust has always suited me to a tee.
When I was young I had ambitions of joining the air force and seeing as much of the world as possible.
As a young mother, I wanted to take the children on a variety of vacations not just the same tired places each year. It took a long time to get their dad to agree to heading north for a vacation... To him all vacations are to be spent in Panama City Florida. I loved Panama City I think it is the most wonderful place to walk in the white sand and to go to Captain Anderson's restaurant or his awesome dinner cruise.
But... Wanderlust would set in.

The desire to relive my vacations from when I was 4 5 and 6 years old. Waking up early to the cool mountain air and being right beside Deep Creek at the camp site with Mama Kate cooking bacon over the fire. The coffee simmering away and we have a chance to walk to the waters edge and wait for breakfast while just enjoying being in that beauty. Now I remember this from very early. The last vacation I took up there was when I was no more than 7 years old. I remember the packing before the trips. I remember the drive and the scenery. I remember Grandpa telling the others to hold on to me as we passed through wispy clouds so I didn't fly away.
So 20 years later when I talked their dad into going somewhere new.. we finally got to go back to the Smoky mountains.
Back to the rock walls that are not high enough to actually keep you from toppling over but they offer a small sense of security. Back to the Brown Welcome to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park sign. All feeling familiar and beckoning me to remember. Grabbing a map and finding Maggie Valley and Deep Creek Campgrounds. Finding Cherokee and then going over the mountain to North Carolina and retracing the steps of my youth. All from 20 year old memories.
This is what wanderlust feels like to me.. the desire to go.. just up and go.. Wanderlust is packing a few things and grabbing the girls and taking off up North to see some states you have never seen before. Driving all night and feeling the chill in the August air once you drive farther north than Tennessee. Going into Kentucky seeing the signs for the birthplace of Lincoln. Seeing the signs about Daniel Boone. Seeing the rolling hills and realizing the really are rolling.
Topping the mountain and looking straight down into Cincinnati for the first time. Seeing a Major League Ballpark sitting on the bank of a river for the first time... Driving into Ohio for the first time and realizing that uncle Dick used to live in a place called Akron and finding it on the map. Driving over to it and then deciding.. Pennsylvania is right here.. Lets go see what Pennsylvania looks like.

Making the decision to traverse Pennsylvania without a map and without taking the freeway. This discovery makes me feel free and happy that I am making memories with my daughters. I hope positive memories. And instilling in them a little taste of Wanderlust...

I see the word Wanderlust on facebook this morning and I feel the pull of unknown places and almost forgotten locations asking me to come visit with them again. Tempted by Wanderlust...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Update on school and work

Working today and happy to say that my work wasn't left for me. This is the first time I have ever come back from being off and had all my work caught up.

On the other side of Phoenix school started Thursday.
It is hard to believe 4 of 5 children at Ellis' house are in school now. Milasia loves Kindergarten. I knew she would. She has been ready for school to start for several years now. Finally she is there.
Cody is such a little serious student. He is a bit hyper but his love of reading and learning is so contagious. He comes over to spend the night and we study and discuss all manner of topics. he never gets bored of learning.

Ellis has completed his summer class and his grade point is still 4.0. He is really thriving in this environment and on his final Paper his teacher added glowing remarks about him as a human being and student. It is so awesome to have someone you respect validate that you are an amazing person.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Weekend research

I am preparing to go back to work tomorrow. So I spent the weekend trying to get a schedule going and feeling better. As far as anyone knows it worked.

So how did I spend my time? I decided to write vacation pages for Mahalo.
I was a bit of an over acheiver and I wrote 3 pages.

If you like to see what my research discovered feel free to take a look. I will add the links here and feel free to drop over and see if you want to take a vacation to one of these beautiful spots. I assure you, I totally want to go to the beach as soon as possible.

Feel free to let me know if you enjoy them.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

How sick is sick and how well is well?

So you wake up and the world is not a friendly place. It is a scary place full of loud noises and overwhelming feelings. Not the usual world of loving family and co workers and friends.
Fears that you are being judged because you are not able to feel like a normal person. Fears that you will not live to see the things you want to see. Fears that you will go into a hospital and never come out or come out a totally different (worse) person.
So what else can you do but sit and worry and cry and fret. Wait for the other shoe to drop and bring your world collapsing onto you where it smothers you as it drains all life from you. No sometimes the world is not a beautiful and lovely place like you thought it was.

So you reach out for someone to help you. Someone to help you make it through this dark, cloudy, and terribly noisy state of mind you have found yourself in.
You go to the doctor that seems to understand you and she decides to trick you. In my opinion to trick someone that is already distraught is just cruel. She says here is what you should do.."Go to this place and tell them how you feel and they will change some medicine and you should feel all better by Monday". Sounds good in theory... but I decided to call and find out more about this place only to be told "it is in-patient care only". WHAT???
I am not driving down to an in-patient only place to get a little help. I will as always back my ears straighten my spine and adjust my thinking to pull myself out of this.
So I sit up and wait for midnight. Technically a new day, So at midnight I take my one a day medicine and wait. I stay awake until 4 am and then I sleep until 6:30. I wake with Dread seeping through my bones and into my soul. I can feel it in my blood and in my head. I call to tell my boss that I can not work until Monday. Then I begin to make myself better. I stay awake and do quiet and slow activities so that my over active nerves do not become startled. I stay in one small area of the couch and watch the TV but not listen not absorb the show. Just look.. I get the baby and I hug her and just feel her warmth and enjoy her silent smiles. Then I climb back into my quiet place on the couch and watch the day go by. A short nap then back to clock watching and I stay still and quiet and process the day slowly as to not jangle my nerves. Everyone goes to bed and I sit on my small section of the couch and watch the clock. Midnight comes and goes and I do not take my daily medicine. 1 am then 2 am come and only then do I take it. I go on Mahalo and look at questions and answer some of the questins that peak my interest. I go to sleep at 4:30 and when I wake up at 6:40 I do not feel quite so horrible. I do not feel so on edge my hands are still shaking but I am not consumed in dread. I am releived that I am not feeling the dread. I only feel the fear that has become my companion during this time. I wonder if after 3 weeks of this new medicine it is finally going to help me. It is too early to tell and I am afraid to make that snap judgement in case I suddenly become filled with dread as I have so many days before.
But without saying anything to anyone I feel lighter, and less smothered. I quietly moving through the house as to not startle myself and feel like I am going to survive this. I am going to keep working through this and not quit. I for the first time since May 5Th feel like the world is not burying me alive.

I sit on the patio and talk with Kenn and CAsey and watch the stars and we discuss personla beliefs and I remain calm and dread free.
Here it is 10:34 and I am planning what time to take my medicine. Thinking for the first time in a long time that tomorrow I might begin to feel well. I only want my being well to last this time. I want to be well for a long time this time.

I would like to have the pleasure of knowing at the end of this... how sick is sick and how well is well.

Monday, August 3, 2009

My Mahalo Obsession

A month ago I had never heard of a website called Mahalo.

Now I am there daily answering questions, researching interesting subjects and managing a page that others can use as research.

What is Mahalo?

It is a human based search engine. It works like this, You have a subject of interest you search for it. A page will come up and will provide detailed information on it, or it allows you to make a page for the next searcher. this is my example. I wanted to know more about this beautiful city so I did a search. Nothing came up, so I was offered a chance to make a page. I love researching, so I started. Gathering one piece of information after another, until I believe it is a very informative page.
Then comes the decision to manage this page or leave it unmanaged for others to add to. This page I have not claimed as of yet, but I will before long as I had my managing limit raised to 6 pages.

The page I do manage is about Gymboree.
I was researching on this because I love the clothes and when I searched I found there was no page for Gymboree so I found out so much information and started building the page. I updated the page and even more links appeared. Links on coupons, blogs, Stock news, classes and of course the branded merchandise.

Click a link and come on over and see if Mahalo calls to you at 3 am on a Monday morning to come on over and do some research. Let me know if you love it!